18 Months and All Change
Be warned – this is a remedial brain dump. This is for me, about me. I should have written it a while ago to get it off my chest but hey………………….
So I apologise in advance if it is a wee bit introspective and selfish so wont be offended if you chose not to read on and click away now
It’s been quite a while since I wrote a blog from scratch, a blog that isn’t based on an observation of a topic trending elsewhere online, in fact I’ve not put anything out for almost a year. I have to say I’ve missed it.
There are two or three reasons for this; firstly my confidence as a blogger took a knocking by someone who through either naivety, or perhaps simple ignorance was rather critical of the fact that I blogged and offered up observation or opinions on subjects or issues I was interested in. Now normally I wouldn’t pay any attention or would discuss further in an attempt to win them over, however when it comes from a co-worker in an influential position it becomes somewhat tougher. Now they never actually made a big deal of it to be fair to them, however it had me second guessing myself to the point that I lost my mojo, inspiration and inclination to write.
Secondly I was rather ill last year. This had a massive impact on me both physically and mentally. The strength of both capacities was for a certain time impacted drastically. Physically I have lost approx. 25 kilos (55lbs) in body weight since then, much of it in the first few weeks which took all of my strength away. Mentally I was impacted by a massive amount of steroids that I had to take daily for the first 6 months before being weaned off of them from the start of this year, as well as the constant adjustment and fight against pain. It took its toll.
I also changed jobs so to speak at the end of last year and went from being employed to working on The FIRM full time for a few months and then setting up my own consulting business which had it’s own level of stress at a time, when I was starting to become unwell again, although I failed to recognise it at the time.
In July 2013 I had a reoccurrence (I was warned I would get them through life now) and was taken to hospital again – it could not have come at a better time. Strange as that may sound, so much was going wrong physically that it was difficult to get through a day and then a night without pain. It was very stressful. I wasn’t a nice person to be around. But getting into hospital again and being treated albeit, drip fed nothing but morphine, potassium, and paracetamol for 48 hours and then being put back on the steroids has been like having my factory reset button pressed. Not only that, it has given me the power of hindsight and reflection. How to cope better, how to adjust to what is happening to me so I can better recognise when, (if) it happens again.
So looking back to over the last 18 months or so, the two things that have dominated my life and that of those around – change and food!
- I’ve changed
- My weight has changed
- My size has changed
- My way of thinking has changed
- My moods change so much faster than I’d expect
- I am much more disciplined now
- I exercise much more – in fact having lost 25kg makes it easier
Oh and when it comes to food – where do I start? I have had to drastically change my diet – I am now gluten intolerant, dairy intolerant, fat intolerant and diabetic. Not all them were diagnosed at the same time either so I have had constant adjustments to make. Not only that but eating too much is a no no for me too! Who would’ve thought eh? Many of the good foods, particularly fruit and veg I cannot eat anymore, some cause me pain – why is that? It can’t be fair not to be able to eat grapes, corn, oranges, broccoli, and cauliflower surely? Not to mention fried food! I have yet to get an intolerance to water, so there is hope.
Those close to me know I have met many of the challenges of the last 18 months head on and enjoyed much of it. Let’s face it, who wouldn’t like being 10 inches smaller at the waist? They also know that there have been aspects of what has happened that have not been so pleasant and have been a huge struggle; continued pain, continued weight loss, emotional extremes, fatigue, mood swings. Each of which counters the enjoyment of the new Gary and has added extra worry, anxiety and stress for me and to others.
As with any illness either physical or mental there are no or at best, limited options or choices for much of what happens, control is taken away and your life is tilted on its axis. However it is still spinning, maybe at a different angle, at a different speed, it may even wobble but life goes on. It’s all about managing change. We do it in our daily lives whether at work or a play, many don’t know that they are adapting or managing the change.
I am learning to change every day. I learn some aspects of it better and faster than others. I, like you don’t have a choice in some of it, it just happens, that’s life, I can manage it and its impact perhaps, if I am strong enough and equipped to do so at the time. Alternatively I can ask for help. Not always easy, seems to be a human condition not to ask for help. But you will be surprised from where help can come from, if only you asked. This applies at work or at home, whether you are managing a team or a new function or in your personal life.
So it was a bit of a jumbled ramble that needed to be unloaded. There are about 25-30 people who I owe a huge thank you too for many reasons. Genuinely. Thank You.